Jeremiah Pasternak
1/9/2007
INT. SCHOOL LUNCHROOM - DAY
Two cheerleaders, Jackie and Jennie are sitting at a table with a tray full of brownies. Dave, a guy in a letterman jacket walks up to the table. He doesn’t look like a ‘typical’ athlete.
DAVE
Hey, what’s up?
JACKIE
(angry)
I’ll tell you what’s up, no one’s buying our FUCKING brownies!
JENNIE
(annoyed)
No shit! Why don’t you go tell your douchebag friends that if they don’t get there asses over here and start forking out some serious change, we’re not going to have enough money to buy new, cute as hell outfits to cheer in-
JACKIE
-and that means fans might actually watch the game and realize that you’re all losers!
DAVE
I’ll see what I can do.
DAVE hands JACKIE a dollar. JENNIE hands DAVE a brownie and a bitchy smirk.
INT. LUNCHROOM - LUNCH TABLE - DAY (CONT’D)
A group of guys, all with their letterman jackets are eating.
DAVE walks over and sits down.
DAVE
Holy shit, have you tried these brownies?
GUY 2
What?
DAVE
The cheerleaders...they’re selling brownies
DAVE points to where the two cheerleaders are sitting. They both have fake smiles glued on their faces.
GUY 2
(suggestive)
The last thing I want from those girls is brownies.
The guys at the table laugh, ‘Yeah, we know what you’re talking about.’
DAVE
No, seriously, these brownies...they’re fucking amazing.
GUY 3
Yeah, what makes them so good?
DAVE
I’ll tell ya,
He gestures for all of the guys to come closer
(whispers)
They’re laced with...marijuana.
GUY 3
No fucking way!
GUY 2
Seriously, that’s like, not funny at all.
DAVE
Fine, suit yourself.
GUY 1 gets up and walks back toward the cheerleaders.
INT. JANITOR’S CLOSET - DAY
JANITOR
All kids do these days is take drugs and fuck. Dope, crack, anal and orgies...all that shit.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
GUY 3 is walking, eating a brownie as three girls are talking by one of the girl’s locker. They see him as he begins to sway and look at one another with a ‘what the..?’ look. GUY3 stops.
GUY 3
(trippin’)
Have you ladies tried these brownies?
The girls don’t say anything.
GUY 3
(trippin’)
They are...WOW, awesome!
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
GUY 2 is standing at a urinal with a brownie in his free hand. Another guy is standing at the urinal next to him.
GUY 2
(trippin’)
I am so fucking high.
GUY 2 turns toward the guy next to him. Zoom on GUY cringing as he sees that GUY 2 is now peeing on the wall.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
GUY 4 is talking with a group of four girls. They’re huddled around.
GUY 4
I don’t know who did it, but it must have been some strong shit!
INT. SCIENCE CLASSROOM - DAY
GIRL 3 is talking with her lab partner.
GIRL 3
(trippin’)
All I did was lick the plate with crumbs on it and I was high!
INT. MATH CLASSROOM - DAY
GUY 5 is leaning back in his chair, laughing profusely.
INT. MATH CLASSROOM - DAY (CONT’D)
INTERVIEW TEACHER 1
They’re like...how can I describe it...slighlty less retarded than normal.
INT. LUNCHROOM - DAY
The two cheerleaders are smiling as there is a line of people that keep handing over money.
INT. HALL - DAY
GIRL 5 has GUY 3 pushed up against a locker.
GIRL5
(trippin’)
Can I
(giggling, whispers into his ear)
suck your balls?
GUY 3 begins to giggle too.
INT. MUSIC ROOM - DAY
Band is playing and they sound horrible.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
TEACHER 2 is sitting at his desk.
INTERVIEW TEACHER 2
(trippin’...for real)
They all seem fine to me.
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY (CONT’D)
Zoom out to see guy is reading, but his book is upside down.
INT. GYM - DAY
A class full of girls are lined up along the endline. GIRL 6 raises her hand.
GIRL 6
(trippin’)
I think I forgot my shoes in my locker.
All of the other girls begin to giggle and the gym teacher looks puzzled.
INT. LUNCHROOM - DAY
GUY 11 and GUY 12 are sitting across from one another. GUY 11 holds up a dollar bill.
GUY 11
(trippin’)
Have you ever seen a dollar bill...on weed!
GUY 12
(trippin’)
That’s a...
GUY 11
(trippin’)
‘Half Baked’ man! I feel just like Jim Breuer.
GUY 12
(trippin’)
Yeah, and I’m Dave Chapelle!
Guy 11
(trippin’)
But, dude, you’re not...ya know...black.
GUY 12
(trippin’)
‘I’m Rick James bitch!’
INT. HALL - DAY
GUY 6 is spinning around in the middle of the hall as dozens of kids are crowded around, curious as to what he’s doing.
GUY 6
(trippin’, giggling)
Why are you all running around so fast?
INT. ART CLASSROOM - DAY
TEACHER 3 is sitting at his desk.
TEACHER 3
Different? Yeah, they do seem different...more...creative.
INT. ART CLASSROOM (CONT’D)
GUY 7 is sitting around a table with his friends. He has paint on his nose. He holds up his work.
GUY 7
(trippin’)
I drew you!
GUY 8, sitting across from GUY7 holds up his painting.
GUY 8
(trippin’)
I drew you too!
INT. BATHROOM - DAY
GIRL 7 is putting on GIRL8’s makeup. She looks like a clown.
GIRL 7
(trippin’, giggling)
Oh my god, you look AMAZING!
INT. CLASSROOM - DAY
Everyone in the class is sitting at their desks, taking a test. GIRL 9 hands a note to GUY 13. He opens it. The note reads ‘Are you high?’ with a Yes and a No box to check.
GUY 13
(trippin’)
Fuck yeah!
Everyone turns to look.
INT. HALL - DAY
GUY 9 and GUY 3 are walking.
GUY 9
(trippin’)
Listen to me! It’s not a unicorn, it’s a fucking pegasus!
INT. GYM - DAY
GUY 10 is standing, dazed in the middle of the gym. Zoom out to see a team full of kids with dodgeballs on the others side of the basketabll court and GUY 10’s team all on the sidelines, dazed and cheering. The other team all throw their dodgeballs at the same time. One hits GUY 10 in the face and he falls to the floor. When he gets up, he’s giggling. On the sidelines, GUY 10’s team is cheering and the gym teacher looks pissed.
(Alternatively, outside playing softball and kid take a pitch off the noggin)
INT. HALL - DAY
Guy is walking down the hall, when he begins to lean, and lean more until he crashes right into a locker and falls over.
INT. PRINCIPAL’s OFFICE - DAY
PRINCIPAL is sitting at his desk with two kids sitting across from him, giggling.
PRINCIPAL
Can someone explain to me what the FUCK is going on here?
EXT. SCHOOL - END OF SCHOOL DAY
DAVE is walking out of the main entrance. He’s completely ‘straight’. JACKIE and JENNIE run up behind him.
JACKIE
Hey you!
DAVE turns around.
JENNIE
You’re fucking awesome!
JENNIE hugs DAVE
JACKIE
Yeah, I don’t even know your name, but I fucking love you!
JACKIE kisses DAVE on his cheek.
JACKIE
We have to go, but we owe you big.
JENNIE holds up her hand to her face like a telephone and mouths, ‘Call me’.
The two girls run off. DAVE smiles and looks extremely satisfied as he continues to walk. (slow motion)
CREDITS
INT. CAR - DAY
TEACHER 2
(trippin’...for real)
Ya know, I pay a babysitter more per hour than I make teaching...and I even went to college...Man, that is SO FUCKED UP!
(trippin’...for real)
Ya know, I pay a babysitter more per hour than I make teaching...and I even went to college...Man, that is SO FUCKED UP!
